My memories

It's been a while since I've posted anything on this poor little blog of mine, but I thought I would share some intimate memories. March is an emotional month for my family and I.  My dad passed away this month and for some reason it hurts so much more this year than it has in the past. I'm not sure if it's because I wish so badly that my dad was able to be here and enjoy his grandchildren, he would have been a wonderful grandpa to them. That alone hurts, but also because I miss his voice, his laughter, his smell, his wisdom, the way he called my mother Beautiful (that was her name).  I. Just. Miss. Him. 

Fortunately for me I have the best memory ever. I can remember everything from my past and for this particular month I remember the weeks and days that led to his death. March 2, 2007, I remember sitting in my room cleaning out my entertainment center when my phone rang. My parents had gone back to Tuscon for my fathers 100 day testing to see if the cancer had returned.  My mom and dad spent 2 1/2 months in 2006 treating his cancer with a stem cell transplant in hopes that it would rid him of the poison that was making him ill. I picked up my phone to my dad saying "well I got some bad news, cancers back." My heart stopped, I didn't have any words to say. My dad had fought cancer for so long and I knew what this meant.  He said that there were two options, "I can either fight the cancer, more chemo, more hospital stays or go home and let it takes its course." Crying, I don't even know why I asked because with the tone of his voice I knew what this meant. "What are you going to do?" "Little one, I'm tired, I'm just tired." We left the conversation like that. Hanging up the phone I sat there and cried. As I cry now, it hurt, knowing that we had a limited amount of time to spend together. 

I always think about my dad, it's second nature. Like breathing, he comes into my thoughts where I reminisce of the past and think about what he's doing now.  I wish my dad was still here, but that's not what Heavenly Father had planned for him, for us.  So this month I will be sharing the memories I have leading to his death and funeral.  You'll have to bare with me as my puncuation and grammer suck, it's hard to type and cry, and I won't be able to share any of this without crying.

Avree's Birth Story

 I love writing and reliving the birth of my babies.  We record the birth of our children and write down every detail as my labor progresses until birth.  I enjoy being pregnant and love the feeling of my baby inside my belly, it really is indescribable, but for as much as I love being pregnant and having my big belly I was more than ready to have my sweet girl. Being pregnant with Avree was SO different than with Ryder.  She was wild.  Constantly moving and keeping me awake throughout the night.  She was resting on my belly with her back side so every time Ryder wanted to cuddle or be held it was uncomfortable.  On top of that, not being able to sleep through the night and taking care of an 18 month old, active toddler, to say I was beyond ready to have her is an understatement. 

A week before my due date I scheduled an induction on May 24.  Making this decision was hard because I really wanted to go into labor on my own and with inductions you never know how things will turn out or how long it will take.  With Ryder, I went into labor on my own, but since my cervix was only dilated to a 1 and 50% effaced (for weeks), my doctor and I decided it would be best to get induced because I wasn’t willing to go more than a day past my due date.  I was scheduled to be at the hospital at 10 p.m. on the 23 and have these gels inserted in my cervix to “encourage” it to change.  Until then I walked every single day for hours to get my body into labor and the day of my due date was no exception.  I was up bright and early trying every last attempt to go into labor.  I walked around EVERYWHERE, and by the end of the day I was exhausted.  I also bounced on a birthing ball, walked up and down stairs and TMI but I did an enema, pretty nasty stuff, but I wasn’t willing to down castor oil.  And to my surprise none of that worked.  I called the hospital to make sure there was a room available for me at 10 and there wasn’t.  They said they would call when there was one available and so I just slept.  They called and by 12 a.m. we were at the hospital waiting to be checked in.  By 1:00 we were in our room ready to start the first of three gels.  These gels are inserted every 2 hours; you lie down for an hour and walk around for an hour.  By 3:30 my nurse was ready to check me and I hadn’t dilated.  At. All.  Since there was no change and my energy was completely exerted, my nurse inserted the next gel and decided to just let me sleep. She came in at 5:50, checked me and I was barely dilated to a 2, she inserted the last set of the gels and let me sleep.  I was woken up at 8 by my doctor who checked me and I was dilated to a 2-3 and 60% effaced, she decided that she would break my water and start me on a low dose of pitocin.  I was sure that since my water had broken I would be delivering Avree within hours. (Again with Ryder, after my water broke, 3.5 hours later he was delivered.)  My nurse would come in every hour or so and up my dose of pitocin which didn’t seem to help because by noon I was ONLY dilated to a 3!!  I was starting to lose hope that I would be meeting my little girl anytime soon.  I mean everything was taking FOR-EV-ER, my labor was progressing so slowly and my contractions weren’t all that painful.  Then finally around 2 things started to change.

Up until then I was able to breathe through each contraction and sometimes I wouldn’t even feel them.  After 2, I started having back labor and had to have Nick massage my lower back, while I bounced on the birthing ball or laid on my side.  It felt really good for a while, but the contractions started getting more intense and I could no longer breathe through them.  For some reason I always tell myself that I am going to have a natural birth without pain meds.  Never again.  By the time I asked for the anesthesiologist, he wasn’t available.  Which always seems to be the case for me.  This meant I had to wait for him to finish with the other patient (s), while my contractions were becoming closer and more intense. After putting in a request for the anesthesiologist the nurse came back and wanted to check and see how far along I was.  By this point I was groaning through each contraction and shedding some tears here and there, while Nick was massaging my lower back.  The thought of me simply lying on my back while she checked was not going to happen.  I probably gave her the dirtiest look and thought to myself "are you out of your mind!” when she asked.  I replied very firmly “No, when I get my epidural you can check, until then you'll have to wait.”  She wasn’t too pleased with that answer, but there was no way she was going anywhere near my cervix.  Finally at 3:00 relief came and I was able to relax.  For me with the epidurals both times have been completely different.  This time, my lower back and my belly were completely numb, my legs and vaginal area were kind of numb too. I was still able to move both of my legs and had feeling in my vaginal area.  After the epidural kicked in, the nurse drained my bladder and then checked my cervix at 3:30, which I was sure I had dilated quite a bit, but to my amazement I was a big 4!  (To truly understand my "lack of patience" you should read Ryder's Birth) I. Was. Shocked.  To put this into perspective; at 8 a.m. I was dilated to a 2-3, had my water broken at noon and was 3 cm, and at 3:30 I was at 4.  This was completely unexpected, I was sure that my cervix was further than that.  Anyone who says that there subsequent labors goes by faster than their first, lied.  At least it wasn’t the case for me.  My labor was taking a lot longer than I had anticipated, and I knew that it would be hours, if longer, before I was going to have my baby.  So I decided to relax and sleep and let Avree come when she was good and ready.  At 4:30 I started feeling the urge to push and thought to myself it was nothing.  But it happened again and again, and I told Nick and my mom “I’m feeling the urge to push, like I need to poop.”  I told my nurse that I felt like I had to poop and was feeling pressure down there.  She looked at me like I was out of my mind, and I didn’t blame her for not having the urgency to check.  Lets be honest, it has taken 14 hours for me to dilate from 1 cm to 4.  I wasn’t even sure why I was feeling the urge to push, but knew I needed to be checked.  At 4:45 I was a 10!! She said Avree's head was right there and was immediatley on the phone calling my doctor.  I was so excited and in disbelief that my body was finally ready to have her.  I couldn’t believe that it took an hour and fifteen minutes for me to dilate 6 centimeters.  The nurses were getting everything ready for when my doctor arrived and by 5:13 I started pushing.  Four pushes later at 5:20 p.m. she was out.  I don’t mean to brag but I can push my babies out, that’s the one thing I know that happens quickly.  My sweet girl was 8.4 oz and 20.5 inches long, she was beautiful.  Holding her for the first time was incredible, looking into her eyes, hearing her sweet little cries, nothing is better than that moment.

Avree is a gem.  We are so in love with our little girl and Ryder loves her so much.  He has adjusted amazingly well to being a big brother.  He loves to kiss and hold her as long as she doesn’t cry, and lays next to her while she sleeps or plays on her mat, and Avree loves to be held and cuddled and sleep on her belly.  She sleeps 3 to 4 hours through the night, and wakes every 3 hours to eat.  Like clockwork, she's so predictable.  Its crazy how completely different my pregnancies, labor, and babies are.  She is the absolute perfect addition to our family.  Here's a few pictures, enjoy!

We were both very tired.

She was a big girl.

Kisses from big brother.

playing.

My Little Man.

Love her face.

Eviction Notice

You read that right. I officially have 9 days left until I get to meet my sweet little girl. We are down to single digits baby.  I am literally counting down the days until her arrival.  My due date is May 23, but I am hoping she takes after her big brother and comes at least a day early.  At this point I am all kinds of uncomfortable and sleep just evades me.  Today I had my last doctors appt. and for the last 2 weeks there hasn't been much change.  I am still only dilated to a 1 and my cervix is 50% effaced.  My doctor doesn't think I will be going into labor any time soon. (My doctor who delivered Ryder didn't think I would either and we scheduled an induction for Nov 7, my due date was Nov. 6 and he came Nov 5.)  I told her that I pretty much go into labor over night, at least I did with Ryder. Fingers crossed.  Either way if my daughter decides she's too comfortable in there by May 23, I am giving her the boot!  At least this way we know we will be holding our sweet little girl by May 24!!!

18 Months

This post is mainly for me.  I want to start jotting down things Ryder is doing on his "mile stones". Since my little man is 18 months, that means he's just 6 months away from being 2 and an official toddler.  He is still a VERY happy, smiley, laid back boy.

Things Ryder is into these days:
cars
playing with water/swimming
taking baths
playing fetch with our doggies
rocks and throwing them too
chasing our kitty around
loves to be outside and exploring everything
reading books
taking all of his toys out
helping his mommy with things around the house, in fact he really seems to enjoy doing the laundry, dishes, and sweeping and vacuuming
and helping his daddy fix things and using his daddy's tools


Ryder is also talking so much!! He knows all sorts of animal sounds, can point out animals in books, sings the alphabet (mostly sounds it out), he can count to 10, (again mostly he is just making the sounds from the numbers), he likes to play with puzzles, and loves to dance, especially bob is head when he hears rap or r&b.

Words Ryder says:
mom, momma
dad, dadda
grandma
doggie
kitty
out
no
bye
yea
moon
airplane
all done
hot
cold
please
mine
water
snack
book
car
night, night
shoes
mickey
nose
eyes
nana for banana
"no more monkeys jumping on the bed" and he points and shakes his hand
where is it
Jesus
amen

He loves going down slides

and trying to climb back up them.

Daddy taking Ryder under the water.

My Little Man <3

Should have known.

Nick is a pretty simple guy.  Sneakers, shirt, pants, and a hat.  He never does his hair, he's not into styling it and usually just shaves his head.  Although when I asked him a few months ago to grow his hair out just until our daughter was born so that he would have some hair for family pictures, he agreed.  Lately he's been saying how much he hates how long his hair is and how he's going to cut it.  Of course I didn't believe him, because we have such a short amount of time until our daughter arrives, I figured he could hold out. Not the case. On Mon I woke up extra early because of Ryder and by 11 I was so tired, I woke Nick up so he could hang out with Ryder while I took a nap.  Big mistake.  I wake up to the sound of clippers and roll out of bed to find his hair all over our bathroom floor, and a mohawk.

The only picture I have of him not wearing his hat. His hair was getting SO long.

The Mohawk. I'm kind of a fan, but I know that this was the only time he will ever put the time and effort into doing it, and sooner or later he will just shave it.