Four Years.

On March 16, it will be four years since my dad passed away.  Four years.  I can't believe its been that long because it still seems like yesterday.  I can still see him in our house sleeping in his bed (snoring), walking past the computer room and seeing him play spider solitaire, on the couch reading because that's what he always did (he loved to read) and even at church during sacrament, singing (with his deep voice).  People have said that with time things will get better, it won't hurt as much (I guess that's a little true) it is better.  I don't cry and haven't cried every single day since the year he left, but EVERY day, not even one day will go by when I don't think about him.  Its like breathing. It's almost instinct that a memory or the thought of him (where he is at and what he is doing) comes into my mind.  Its been hard not having him here, being able to just talk and hear his voice.  Sometimes I wish there was a phone to heaven that I could pick up and call him just to hear him call me his "little one" if only that were possible.  I can't wait until we meet again, just to wrap my arms around him, but until that day comes, I know he is watching over me and my family.  I know he was able to meet and spend time with Ryder before Ryder came to this earth.  That in itself brings comfort and eases my thoughts and pain.  So to end this little post (because I can go on and on and the tears would keep coming like a waterfall) I want to share a poem I wrote for my dad after he passed away, which is the one that I read at his funeral.  And the reason I chose to write a poem is because my dad was a very poetic person. Not many people were able to see that side of him, but if you did, you would be amazed at the things he would write.

An Ode to My Father, From Your Daughter

By the hands of God

With his grace, he lifted you up

And took you from this space

You had been put to the test

With trials and all

What a fight you fought

Through it all

Loyal Servant of God

Never gave up

Always stood for what was right

You fought the good fight

You made the covenants 

To prove faithful

All of the blessings

Which you had recieved

This last blessing, oh the relief

We were all so pleased

Loyal servant of God

Oh how proud he would be

To see me now

The strength you have given me

To carry on

While you're gone

Until I see you again

Loyal servant of God

My father he be 

So Spiritual and free

He may lay at rest

And hope for the best

That I may follow in his steps

With courage, strength, and knowledge

To be the Daughter of God 

He expects me to be

As a loyal servant of God

My father you will always be

The covenants you kept faithfully

Waiting for me

I'll keep the promises I made

That our covenants may have permanency

For families are for Eternity

I LOVE YOU DAD

My First Pregnancy

39W6D

Being pregnant with Ryder was the most amazing experience ever.  I truly loved every moment of it.  I'm going to be one of those women who love being pregnant, everything seemed so easy.  I was so blessed to have a smooth and safe pregnancy and delivery.  So I figured I would write about the the day I had Ryder (lucky for me I kept a journal and Nick writing down every time the nurse and doctor came and did something).  To really get the whole aspect of how quickly I went into labor, I had a doctors appt. Wed. Nov. 3rd, and the doctor said I was barely dilated to a 1 and about 35% effaced (which means my cervix was thinned out a third of the way).  So we talked about being induced on Sunday night because my doctor really didn't expect me to go into labor on my due date which was Nov. 6th.  

I started having contractions Fri. Nov. 5th around 2 a.m. which was lower back pain, it wasn't horrible so I tried sleeping it off, changing positions, sitting up, everything, but the contractions started getting worse and worse and by 7 a.m. I decided to time these contractions.  By 8 a.m. I was timing them at every 5 to 7 minutes, and thought, I'm doing something wrong because these seem awfully close and I couldn't possibly be in labor considering my cervix wasn't very far along on Wed.  So I called my doctors office and told them how far apart I was timing my contractions and they told me I could come in at 10:30.  I tried not to get my hopes up, but I couldn't help but hope to have my baby that day.  We brought our hospital bag, and everything else, just in case we were lucky.  We get there and go back into a room and the doctor comes in and asks me how I'm feeling and the look on my face says it all, those contractions kept getting more intense, it was like I didn't have anytime to breath.  The doctor checked me and told me I was still only dilated to a 1, BUT that I was 85% effaced, and he couldn't believe how much had changed in only 2 days! He wanted to time my contractions to see exactly how I was progressing, so he hooked me up to a monitor and left us there for about 20 minutes and came back and told us that the contractions were about every 3 minutes and that I was in the early stages of labor, I was ecstatic to say the least, BUT there was one slight issue, the hospital won't admit anyone who isn't dilated to a 3, so my doctor told me he was going to  have to stretch my cervix out.  Say what, come again?  I was already having contractions that were 3 minutes apart and now you want me to lie flat on my back while you stretch my cervix out.  Lets just say that was probably one of the worst pains I have had my entire life, So much more painful than the contractions.  When he was done, he had called Summerlin and Valley Hospital to get us into a delivery room, but they were all booked until 2 p.m.  It was only 12:30 p.m. and we decided to go get some food and keep ourselves busy until  then.

We arrived at the hospital and had to wait a little longer because the room wasn't available just yet.  There I was sitting in an uncomfortable chair, having Nick rub a tennis ball and massage my lower back during my contractions until we were finally able to get admitted at 2:30 p.m.  Now heres where everything just speeds up from there.  I get ready, they hook an IV up into my arm, which hurt SO bad (I HATE needles) and monitor my contractions, as well as Ryder's heart.  At 3:00 the nurse hooks me up to some pitocin to make my contractions more regular.  At 4:00 I was dilated to a 4 and the doctor came in and broke my water, all this without an epidural.  But after that things just started becoming much more intense and closer together I felt like I wasnt able to get a break and focus on my breathing, so I finally opted for an epidural, which I originally didn't want, but with how fast and intense my contractions were, I really didn't care even despite the fact that I hate needles and heard some pretty bad reactions of the ep.  So the anesthesiologist finally came in at 6 p.m. and hooked everything up.  After about 15 minutes the contractions didn't hurt as bad, even though I was still able to feel them on my right side, I was comfortable and able to relax, it was heaven. For anyone who has any fears of it hurting, I didn't feel a thing when they numb you, or even when they put the 6 inch needle into your spine, but thats probably because my contractions hurt so much worse and I was focusing on breathing, getting through each one, and not moving so the anesthesiologist could get the needle in the right spot.  After the epidural the nurse came and checked me, at 6:30 I was dilated to an 8 and by 7:30 I was dilated to a 10.  Then it was a matter of waiting for my doctor to arrive because I wasnt going to let anyone deliver my baby but him.  After 3 pushes and 4 minutes later Ryder was born at 8:09 p.m. on November 5.  It was such an amazing experience giving birth, and seeing him for the first time.  To finally hold him after carrying him for 40 weeks, was just incredible.  The fact that Nick and I had a hand in creating him and bringing him into this world, words just can't describe how that feels.  I fell in love with him from the moment I laid eyes on him, and I keep falling more in love with him with each passing day.  There is no greater feeling in the world than being a mother, and I am so grateful that I get to be his mother.

7 lbs 9 oz and 20.5 in

A love beyond measure ♥