Saturday, March 2, 2013

My memories

It's been a while since I've posted anything on this poor little blog of mine, but I thought I would share some intimate memories. March is an emotional month for my family and I.  My dad passed away this month and for some reason it hurts so much more this year than it has in the past. I'm not sure if it's because I wish so badly that my dad was able to be here and enjoy his grandchildren, he would have been a wonderful grandpa to them. That alone hurts, but also because I miss his voice, his laughter, his smell, his wisdom, the way he called my mother Beautiful (that was her name).  I. Just. Miss. Him. 

Fortunately for me I have the best memory ever. I can remember everything from my past and for this particular month I remember the weeks and days that led to his death. March 2, 2007, I remember sitting in my room cleaning out my entertainment center when my phone rang. My parents had gone back to Tuscon for my fathers 100 day testing to see if the cancer had returned.  My mom and dad spent 2 1/2 months in 2006 treating his cancer with a stem cell transplant in hopes that it would rid him of the poison that was making him ill. I picked up my phone to my dad saying "well I got some bad news, cancers back." My heart stopped, I didn't have any words to say. My dad had fought cancer for so long and I knew what this meant.  He said that there were two options, "I can either fight the cancer, more chemo, more hospital stays or go home and let it takes its course." Crying, I don't even know why I asked because with the tone of his voice I knew what this meant. "What are you going to do?" "Little one, I'm tired, I'm just tired." We left the conversation like that. Hanging up the phone I sat there and cried. As I cry now, it hurt, knowing that we had a limited amount of time to spend together. 

I always think about my dad, it's second nature. Like breathing, he comes into my thoughts where I reminisce of the past and think about what he's doing now.  I wish my dad was still here, but that's not what Heavenly Father had planned for him, for us.  So this month I will be sharing the memories I have leading to his death and funeral.  You'll have to bare with me as my puncuation and grammer suck, it's hard to type and cry, and I won't be able to share any of this without crying.

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